So I found an old notebook of mine a couple weeks ago and there’s a story in there from June 11, 2006 that I need to tell you about. And yes, I know the exact date because I wrote it on the top of the page like it was a school assignment.
Now, in June 2006, I was 17 years old. I’d just graduated grade 11. And I was either on the verge of realizing I’m bi or had just realized it. Depending on which it is, this story will be read in completely different ways. Either I was a baby bi, exploring her newly realized attraction to women for the first time, or I was the most hilariously oblivious ‘straight’ girl ever who was just happily writing about two girls being friends. Now onto the story!
It starts, of course, with an MSN chat. If that doesn’t scream mid-2000s, these screen names sure do.
And this MSN conversation is about one of the characters, Jinx (was I trying to be edgy with this name or something?), complaining about men and being single. And then this heteronormative bullshit happens.
(17 year old me also spent an entire page describing the POV character’s room and outfit in the edgiest way possible. It got a little My Immortal what with the blood red walls, the all black outfit featuring mesh and fishnets, and the straight black hair. All she’s missing is the preps to flip off.
But back to the actual point.)
Savannah (our POV character) meets up with Jinx at a birthday party and spends far too long detailing her friend’s outfit. Then half a page later, she says this.
What supposedly straight person says this to their equally supposedly straight friend? That’s definitely a step above the typical compliments girls give each other. But that’s just the beginning.
After drinking and dancing to music you definitely don’t play at a birthday party, they collapse on the couch together in exhaustion. They’re all cuddly and laying on each other and then this exchange happens.
First of all, how fucking cringey. I can’t believe I wrote that. Secondly, unless you’re actually a lesbian, nothing you do will be what being a lesbian really looks like! Not even making out or having sex with another woman! Bi and pan people exist, 17 year old me. But what do they do to ‘show them what being a lesbian really looks like’? They dance together. That’s right, they grind all up against each other because apparently that’s enough to make you a lesbian now. Or at least look like one. Awful.
But this last paragraph is what really cinches The Gay™ for me.
They get SO into it. Like, this is clearly a description written by someone who is not straight, even if she thought so at the time. I really wish I knew if I had figured myself out at this point because it’s hilarious to think of me writing this when I thought I was straight. What could have possibly been going through my mind at the time?
Since that’s the last paragraph, I have no way of knowing where I was intending to go with this. Was this display of ‘lesbianism’ intended to get the attention of Jinx’s crush? Was this supposed to be a friends-to-lovers romance? Obviously, we’ll never know for sure. But in my heart, those girls realize they’re not as straight as they thought and fall madly in love with each other. That’s what would happen if I wrote this today anyway.
So, do you have stories of things you said or did (or wrote) before you realized you were queer that are super obviously queer in hindsight? Or do you have a comment on this ridiculous story I’ve shared with you? Let me know!